Not as Funny as I think I am

New Year…. Improved me?

Well what do you know, I’ve made it back more quickly than the previous interval.

I’ve a lot of things to do in this new year, starting with some self-renovations.  Not purely externally, although those definitely are on the list.  If I expect anyone else to be willing to love me enough to spend his life with me, I should love me enough to be willing to spend my life with me.  Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal or anything… just often wish I were different than I am.  I never seem to do anything about those things, though…. so 2010 is going to be the year for the new me.  I need to start asking for things that I need and am not getting from the one I love.  I need to be confident in my beliefs so that when we have discussions about the formation and expectations for our future I can stand firm and demand compromise, instead of just giving in.  I need to be sure that my relationship is viewed by both of us as a partnership, instead of ‘his way’, which is the way it sometimes feels.  I need to find the will power to become healthier: cook and eat better, get more sleep, exercise, and take time for myself.  I definitely need to lose the weight I’ve gained in the last few months so that I actually fit in the bridesmaid dress for the wedding in 8 weeks.  I need to spend time writing.  I need to spend more time with my photography.  With my family.  With my dogs.

Looks like I’ll be busy.   What will you be doing?

Oh, yeah, I have a blog!

Well, I’m back.  I should have known that I wouldn’t stay consistent with this, since that has been the case with every single other attempt at journaling or similar somethings I’ve made.  Have a few busy days and it just flies out the window as one of the easiest things to cut out to try to make more time.  Hopefully things will calm down a little after the holidays are over.

That’s next week already!  I can’t believe how quickly it’s gone… Thanksgiving came out of nowhere, then my niece’s birthday party, today my honey’s birthday, next Friday, Christmas!  Oh, then the baby shower for his sister next Sunday… maybe it will slow down in January.   Nope.  Bridal shower for a friend, then bachelorette party… I’m sure we’ll have some other wedding and bridal party related things between then and the actual wedding in March. 

I need a vacation. 

I’m going to go and try to find some duck today… Darling boyfriend has asked for duck for his birthday dinner, so I’ll give it a go.  I’ve never even had duck, let alone tried to cook it.  I hope I’ll be able to find it, and that the recipe will turn out alright if I can.  I’ve got a back up meat and recipe if I can’t find duck, but I’ve never cooked lamb chops either.

Just the idea of cooking duck or lamb makes me uncomfortable.  I keep seeing the cute little animal it used to be.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good steak, but… even then, I have to consciously block out the picture of a sweet cow.  If I could stand soy products or tofu, I think I’d seriously consider going vegetarian.  I’m slowly trying those products again, little by little, in the hope that they have miraculously gotten better tasting since the last time I’ve tried them.  So far, they haven’t.

Despite having had her party a few weeks ago, my niece turns two tomorrow.  It seems so strange to me that she’s two already, and going to be a big sister before she’s three.  { :-D :-D } She is such a joy to be around, although I get to see her so infrequently that she’s always a lot different, doing new things.  Technically, she is my second cousin, my cousin’s child.  My cousins and I were raised very closely, and while it was nice to be able to go home and be an only child, I was always happiest being at their house being one of seven.  They are the closest thing I will ever have to siblings.  When Ben got engaged six years ago, he called me and told me, adding that I might be an aunt in a few years.  He was right, they had Amber three and a half years after they married.  So, while I’m not actually her aunt, the bond between her father and his siblings and myself is almost as closely knit as the bond among the six of them.  The fact that they want me to be considered an aunt warms my heart.  I still think of us as teenagers, finally able to get out of the house on our own when I come for a visit. 

I’ve got to get going, I’ve got an hour to drive before I can get to the grocery store to try to find these ducks.  I’ll be back sooner this time, I hope.

Skylight not Optional

Have I mentioned before that my desk is directly under a giant skylight?  Being at the front desk for the department, on the ground floor of a U shaped building, with the 8 foot wide, 30ish foot long skylight is awesome… Until now… now that it is no longer daylight savings time, my entire office is dark by 4:30…. and the so-called lights really only cast a yellow glow on the room…

I feel like someone’s attached yellow filters to my eyes. 

Never thought I’d wish for NO skylight….

Pensivity Prodder (really long, sorry)

  My morning started out unusual, but lovely.  In a fit of domesticity nearly worthy of Martha Stewart, I got up early (actually when my alarm went off for the first time and I don’t remember the last time I did that) and made muffins for me and the darling man for breakfast.  I also made our lunches, and then within the next half hour showered, dressed, did my hair, and was ready to leave.  (I didn’t think I could do that.)  I tried out the drive to work from his place for the first time this morning.  I left over two hours early, just in case, and even with the half hour delay from an accident, I was half an hour early.  So good to know.  It’s the accident that delayed everyone that has prodded me in to a pensive mood today.

  Have you ever been parked in traffic on the highway for what seems like a really long time, and you’re getting mad because, hey, you left with just enough time to get to work/school/plans and now you’re going to be late?  You’re just sitting, and sitting, and starting to steam, because you can’t see any obvious reason why traffic just stopped and nobody is even crawling ahead?

  Aside from the going to be late part, that was me this morning.  I was getting mad because I was very worried that I was going to hit more traffic further in to the city (Chicago has baaad traffic when it is bright and sunny, let alone when it’s raining like this morning) and I really didn’t want to be late.  It wasn’t until the ambulance went screaming past on the shoulder that I realized I should sit there and just be glad I wasn’t the one who needed the ambulance.  What seemed like a long time later, we started moving again, everyone shifting into the right lane.  We come upon one of those trucks with the flashing “get your ass in the other lane now” signs, which pushes all of us to be halfway on the shoulder.  There are four fire trucks, three police cars, and two empty ambulances surrounding the single car accident. 

 Here’s where the ache in my chest started.

  The car was sitting on the driver’s side, smushed into the tall cement median, undercarriage out to us passersby.  The only part of the paint remaining was on the rear bumper- a bright, cheerful red.  The rest was charred.  There were piles of what looked like cloths leaning on the median in front of the engine compartment, and the gurney from the ambulance was sitting, waiting, the pile of linens and blankets sitting on top of it.  I cannot imagine that any one surivived this.  Not only because of the position and condition of the car, but more importantly by the implications of this:  despite the fact that I saw several firemen, several policemen, and several EMTs, nobody was rushing.  None of the emergency workers were rushing, acting as if they were in an emergency.  That simple fact more than anything convinces me that this was a fatal accident.

  I don’t know the person in the car.  I didn’t recognize what little of it would be recognizable.  I can’t think of anyone I know that would be taking that route into the city.  Even so, I feel like I’ve lost someone.  Not someone close to me, but someone I knew.  I’m not saying that I’m having some sort of psychic moment, but that my emotional reaction to this is similar to what I felt when people I’ve known but not been really close to have passed on.  What happened?  Was she late for work, trying to make up the time so she wouldn’t miss an important meeting?  Was he speeding and hit a slick wet spot in the pavement as he went around the curve?  Was she just excited, on her way to pick a loved one up from the airport?  Who will miss him?  Is there a little child somewhere that will cry for Mommy or Daddy tonight?  I don’t know.  I can’t answer any of these questions that are going through my mind.  I can only hope, and pray, which I don’t often do, that whoever was in the car made it by some miracle and was already being whisked away to the hospital by a third ambulance I never saw.  I can only hope, and pray, that if that didn’t happen, this person died quickly, on impact, rather than struggling to get free, in pain, through smoke and flames, only to be unable to do so.  I can only hope that where ever he/she is, there is no pain, no sorrow. 

  Life is so fragile, so fleeting.  I always try to remember this, and it seems that whenever I begin again to take it for granted that I get a reminder.  Sometimes it is something like this, sometimes something much smaller.  Either way, it always reminds me to enjoy the small moments; the kiss good-bye, the smile from my niece as she peeks around the corner, the scratches my dogs give me when they jump on me in their excitement to see me.  So I’m saying again, I’m going to kiss a little longer, give hugs a little tighter, and give longer tummy rubs.

To the family of this person, I will probably never know you, or even who you are.  Still, my heart goes out to you.  I cannot help but imagine myself and my family in your place, and the imagined pain is nearly unbearable.  Please know that while you suffer through this real pain, there are those of us who are thinking of you even though our only connection to your family and your loved one is driving past on the way to work.

Yay for Pluto!

mliaverage:

Today, I found out that the state of Illinois rejected the decision of the International Astronomical Union and still considers Pluto to be a planet. I have never been more proud of our state government. MLIA.

 I don’t remember the last time I was proud of our state government… but this is something they’ve actually done right.

But, I still have to ask… aren’t there more important things they could be working on?

Source: mliaverage

Recent Musings of My Mind

These are just some things that I’ve been thinking of over the weekend, but I don’t spend time on the computer during weekends.

- Is it just me, or is it somewhat hypocritical to have a TV commercial promoting literacy as a way to ‘explore new worlds’ by playing clips from the movie of a classic children’s book?

- Is ‘hyptotrichosis’ really enough of a medical problem that it needs a medication?  If having “inadequate or not enough” eye lashes is your biggest problem, go play the lottery and quit your crying.  People are starving in this world.  Latisse?  Really?

- Why do people come into the office just to find out if someone is here?  “Oh, I don’t need to see him, I just needed to know if he was here.”  What???

Lastly, GLEE!!  I love it, I love it, I love it!  I really wish we had a glee club or show choir or something at my high school, because I would have really loved that!  Of course, one of the perks of my high school was that there wasn’t much (at least that I saw) jocks vs. music kids animosity… hell there were jocks in music. 

Until next time.

It’s (almost) My Birthday.

As I approach my birthday, I ponder the same things I ponder every year.  Aside from that all-consuming question “why are we here?” I also ponder why so many people make such a huge deal of their birthdays.  So it has been 25 years since I was born… does that mean that there are any fewer people starving in the world? Or that there are any more happily adopted animals and children in the world?  I’ll have a small celebration of my family and my closest friends, but these are the people who love me, and about the only people in the world who would notice if I were not here.  I am not going to announce to my co-workers that my birthday is this weekend.  I am not going to go around wearing a button, t-shirt, hat, necklace, or any other novelty item that proclaims “It’s My Birthday!” Simply put, I don’t want the attention.  I am not that narcissistic.  (As I type that I realize the irony of saying I’m not narcissistic in a blog about… me.)  Haha.

On some level, aren’t we all narcissistic?  Do we not all have times when we just want people, random strangers even, to notice us? 

Tangent over.

On a different note, I am constantly thinking of funny observations or clever comments to leave on here, and… then I get here and can never remember what any of them were.  Maybe I’ll be a dork and start writing them down in a little notebook.  HAHAHAHA